Deja Vu

I don't want to go into detail (yes, there are some things I don't broadcast to the world), but I have to write about this if for no other reason than to help me wrap my mind around it.

Today I opened up a prayer journal that I had from 2004. I used to write down random (maybe NOT so random, after all) scripture that I came across, and I would write out my corresponding thoughts and prayers. I referred back to this old prayer journal because many of the verses I found and wrote in it stuck with me, and I wanted to revisit them. Just out of curiosity, I flipped to today's date to see what my prayer was on this day, in 2004.

The prayers (and struggles) I wrote out that day are almost exactly the same as what I pray and struggle about today. Can it be that God is really taking this long to answer these particular prayers? 5 years have passed, and I am still waiting on His response. Or, could it be that I have been so undisciplined, so unfaithful, so distracted, so self-involved and self-reliant that I just haven't given Him the opportunity to respond... to change things...

I think it's safe to say that the latter explanation holds more truth than the former. I have really fallen away from God's side in the past few years... I have been so focused on handling [controlling] the changes and circumstances in our lives (job changes, moving to KC, becoming parents, balancing work/motherhood/being a good wife, etc.) that I forgot [failed to] rely on The One who really has all this handled and under control. I thought I could do it all by myself.

Hellooooo! I can't! None of us can. I think the mistake I made before was that I truly believed I had the power to change my heart, and the hearts of those around me. I thought that my self-control and sheer will-power could make me a better person, and that my actions could change certain circumstances.

And here I am, 5 years later, in the same boat. Actually, it's not exactly the same boat; the boat I'm in now is bigger, and is full of so many more blessings, and I still have the same wonderful passengers on board with me. God did answer many of my prayers. He has been faithful, even when I have not.

So now I start again... with the same prayer...

Psalm 25:4-5

Show me Your ways, O Lord,

teach me Your paths;

Guide me in Your truth and teach me,

For You are God my savior,

and my hope is in You all day long.