MORE SNOW DAY!!!!!!!

We have gotten like 3 inches of snow since last nite, and it's still coming down. While Mike shoveled the driveway this morning, I bundled Brax up Christmas-Story style and went out to play! I love snow pictures!

Here comes Jace!!!

Brax's "Best Buddy"

Jace making snow angels...

So Brax had to try it!

"Now how do we get up????!!"

Good Stuff

Yesterday Mike brought a surprise home for Brax-he had stopped by the Nike outlet on the way home from a meeting and got Brax some new kicks! So cute! Daddy has great taste in shoes.

And I forgot I took a picture of this--my sweet friend Christa brought us dinner Tuesday nite. I'm not sure if she knows just how much we LOVE us some Brinner. It has been YEARS since I've had French Toast!!! And she even brought the fresh strawberries and REAL maple syrup (not the ghetto brand I always get!) She also brought brownies, a yummy candle from Williams Sonoma, and some bubble bath. Thank you, Christa for being so thoughtful! You so brightened my day!

Tomorrow is Friday--Brax and I's day together. Unfortunately I am thinking his ear infection may be back, so we're going to the Doc first thing in the morning. Hopefully he's just teething...

The One

I've been really trying to put a label on my feelings the past couple of days. (As my husband has said before, I always over-think things!) I can't figure out why I was fine shortly after finding out I had miscarried (by that afternoon I seemed to be logical, rational, and accepting of what had happened.) We went on about the weekend as if it were any other. But then Monday, after the D&C, it hit me. Not sure WHAT hit me, but something did. Hormones, I guess. Here's the best way I can describe how it feels, at least for me. I'm sure everyone feels differently.


I would describe my sadness as the kind you feel after a break up. Not just any break up, tho. The kind where you were sure that person was the one. You have planned and dreamed in your head all the details: The wedding, the dog you're going to buy together, how you will decorate your first home, the vacations you will take, the children you will have with that person. You have told all of your friends and family about the one, and they are all in love with him too.


Then you realize that the person you loved, the one you imagined spending the rest of your life with, is not the one for you. You know that you cannot change them. You cannot change the outcome of the relationship that is on the brink of failure. You accept that you must move on, you accept that it just wasn't meant to be. You take down all his pictures, you go out with your friends and assure them (and yourself) that you are FINE. But in the back of your mind... you wonder, Was it something I did? Something I said? What if....? But it's too late, they are already gone. Their stuff is moved out, their phone number is changed, they are gone.


The days go by. You are confident that one day, you will find the one that is truly meant to be in your arms. But you still wake up every morning and roll over, expecting that person to be there, and they are not. You feel that emptiness, that reminder that this is really real. They are the last thing you think about as you fight your way to sleep. Throughout your day, you find yourself looking ahead on the calendar at dates that were marked to include that person. You have to get a new planner because you wrote it all in pen. When you show up to your cousin's destination wedding alone, you remind yourself how much more miserable you would have been taking someone who was no longer the one. Yet you dread telling people that it's over when they inevitibly ask how things are going with the one.

Does all that make any sense at all???

One day, I will wake up and my empty (yet muffin-topped) belly won't be the first thing I think about. One day, I will be awakened by the cry of a new baby, and I won't be able to imagine having any other baby than THAT one (besides Brax, of course.) THAT will be the one that is meant for me to hold. That will be the one that I will repaint the ugly green spare bedroom for. That baby will be the one to go to Disney World with us, to be in our dorky Christmas card picture, to steal Brax's crib from him. I will get thru the holidays and events that I thought would include this baby, knowing how heartbreaking they would have been if this baby had been born unhealthy and then taken from me later. I will love and hold and cherish my little boy, and let his greasy, naked, full-body hugs heal my heart. (See previous post HERE)

Brax Laughing At Noah Laughing

Every now and then Brax wants to sit on my lap while I blog-browse. I was watching my friend Abbey's video of her son cracking up (click HERE and prepare to smile!) and Brax could not get enough of it. We probably watched the video eight times! Brax would sign "more" when it was over! Here is a short video of Brax watching Noah's video...

Thanks for the laughs, Noah!!! It IS infectious!!

19 Month Stats

HEIGHT/WEIGHT/TOOTH COUNT: 35 inches tall (It gets harder and harder to measure this--he wants to grab the yard stick and swing it around every time I try to get him to stand next to it.) 25 lbs (Fully clothed with a soaking wet diaper!) 12 teeth (Working on the canines now.) Size 5 diapers, 24 month/2T tops, 18 month pants.

PERSONALITY: Hilarious! So animated and expressive. Like me, he cannot hide his feelings--his thoughts are written all over his face. He likes to be clean--where does he get THAT?? See "Dislikes" below...

VOCABULARY: New words include baby, keys, cookie, hi, eye, me, doggie/woof; signs "help"

NEW TRICKS: Tries really hard to do a somersault (but can't quite get his booty pushed over yet), pretends to "eat" pictures of food in his books, finally drinks out of a real sippy (instead of the silicone nipple ones). Climbs up the kitchen chairs (the tall kind) and sits himself in his chair (it's the kind you strap on to your existing chairs). Walks on tip-toes and "bear-walks" on command. Washes his face in the bathtub (splashes water on it and rubs his cheeks).

FAVORITE FOODS FOODS HE'S WILLING TO EAT: Dino-bites (chicken nuggets) from Sam's, honey-nut Cheerios, cheese and meat sticks (still), pineapple



FAVORITE BOOKS: I pulled out a couple of books from my childhood, and Brax repeatedly chooses this one to read. These books are SO cute, the pictures are of real puppets. They were printed back in the 70's. I would love to have the whole collection but they are no longer in print-they have a bunch of the classics like Pinocchio, Hansel and Gretel, etc. It's some Japanese authors- T.Izawa and S.Hijikata. Anyway, we love them!



FAVORITE TOYS: Brax is really enjoying his alphabet magnets. He will imitate the sounds of many of the letters-B (his favorite), C, D, E, I, K, L, M, O, P, Q ("koo"), T, U ("ew"). He also loves to play with his old school form fitter blocks (of course we are missing half the blocks). He's getting pretty accurate!



FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Playing with latches of any kind-on his highchair, his travel booster seat, his car seat... Frequently grabs several books and looks at them by himself, sometimes "reading outloud." Uses his plastic hotdog bun as a phone-walks around holding it to his ear and "talking."

DAILY ROUTINE: Up around 6:30 (I can't wait for the time change!!!), breakfast IMMEDIATELY, snack around 9, lunch at 11, one and only nap at 11:30 (1 1/2-2 1/2 hours), snack upon waking, dinner at 5:30, to bed at 7.

FAVORITE SONGS: ABC Gospel---so stinkin' fun. It's on Disney's Choo Choo Soul album. It's like a Southern Gospel-sounding version of the ABC's-you can't help but get up and clap! You have to watch the video below from YouTube and hear it. I have to say tho, the chic singing it kind of has a stripper vibe about her.... Kind of weirds me out a little.



DISLIKES: Being messy! He wants his hands wiped off while he's eating, he gets very concerned if he sees something on the floor (fuzz, food, grass, etc) that doesn't belong and will pick it up and give it to us. One day at MyGym I let him get a stamp on his hand, and the entire drive home he was in the backseat trying to wipe it off. He likes to spill his water out of his sippy on purpose so he can go get the towel and wipe it up. He doesn't mind getting his hands dirty outside, but will promptly brush his hands together when he's done to shake the dirt off.

For about a week, Brax decided he hated bathtime. It was right around the time he had an ear infection, so I gave thim the benefit of the doubt at first and thought the water hurt in his ears. So I babied him thru it the first nite or two. Then I realized he was just testing me. He refused to cooperate with me, so I called in some backup.

I learned when I worked at the pedo dentist office that for some reason, children respond quickly to a firm male voice. When we'd have a screaming, fighting mad little patient (usually between 2 and 6 years old), we (the girls in the office, including the female doctor) would beg, bribe, cajole, sweet talk, and even fake a firm man's voice to try and get them to listen. Then Dr. Mark would walk in, his hands folded behind his back, lean in closely to their snotty red faces, and in THAT voice (you remember--the DAD voice), he would say "STOP THE YELLING." He would repeat it if necessary, but usually within minutes the child would do just that. So I made Mike pull a Dr. Mark.

Mike came in, and in THAT DAD VOICE, told Brax to get in the tub and sit down. He had to remind him a few times, but literally by the second nite Brax was back to his happy self for bathtime. Thank you Daddy!!!!!!!!

FUNNY THINGS HE DID: After we kept telling him not to push the buttons on the space heater in the living room, he went and got his doll, Albert, and used HIS hand to push the buttons. Sneaky boy.

Anytime he hears a random noise (the dishwasher, the toilet flushing, a siren or motorcycle outside) he makes the funniest surprised face.

MOMENTS I DON'T WANT TO FORGET: I was laying on the couch resting while he was playing on the floor, and he would occasionally come over and kiss me and "soft and gentle" on my face--without me prompting him! (when we tell him to do "soft and gentle," he rubs his little hand softly and gently on your face.)

The day I had my miscarriage, he started being really huggy with me, especially right after his bath. After I put his lotion on, he climbs up and gives me the greatest full-body hugs--with a tight squeeze and all! It's just so bizarre how he started doing that when I was going thru all this. (He hasn't stopped it yet, either. Guess he just knows what I need!) He wraps his arms around my shoulders, lays his head down, pats me on the back, and clings to me with his long legs. It is just the sweetest thing ever.

Thank You Dr. April!!!!

The dentist I used to work for in Tulsa sent me the most beautiful bouquet today! After I woke up from my three hour nap, this was on my kitchen table!!!!! I had to take 3 pictures of it to get all the angles, it is just so pretty! Thank you so much, Dr. April, you made my day :-)

No Better Way To End This Day

Don't feel like writing much right now... the emotions hit me pretty hard today after it was all said and done. But I suppose it gets better from here.

And this moment made me pretty dang happy...

After Brax's bath in the evening, I wrap him in his towel and we go to his room. I slather him with Aquaphor and Cetaphil (this was the cure for his eczema) while I sing to him. The past couple of nights, he has insisted on standing up and clinging onto me like a baby chimp (before I can even get the diaper on) and giving me really long hugs, while he lays his head on my shoulder and pats me on the back. (When I say really long, I mean like 30 seconds, but that is an eternity for this busy boy!) Mike ran and got the camera and was able to capture this precious moment (who knows how long this hugging phase will last!) It is seriously the greatest thing EVER. It kind of makes me chuckle, thinking about how someday he's going to be a grown man, and probably be a little weirded out that he used to give his momma big, greasy, naked, full-body hugs like this. But I LOVE it! He's still my baby, for now.

Reasons to Smile

This weekend hasn't been all sad....

Brax never fails to brings smiles to our faces!

Here are some happy randoms...

Snuggling with Grammy Sue one morning.

My mom came Saturday nite and brought her little Yorkie, Charlie.

Brax LOVES him!!!!!!!! He is thrilled to have a playmate.

Charlie does not feel the same way.

Since Charlie wouldn't play, Brax made his own fun with Charlie's bed.

Finally, Charlie let Brax pet him!

I thought he would think this was fun. Not so much.

"Now THIS is fun!"

Sliding around with Nana Star.

"Jumping" off a magazine holder thing.

Research and Blessings

I ask a lot of questions. I can never accept an answer without a supporting explanation. (You can imagine my parents' frustration when they would say "Because I said so," and I would respond with "But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?????????") The same applies to this situation. I am very interested in the physiology of what went wrong here. I Googled "fetal nuchal translucency" (the medical term for that bulge behind the baby's head/neck area) and found the following:

First, here are some images I compared. The first is MY ultrasound from Friday, at 11 weeks (The baby was measuring at 10 weeks, 4 days, so I guess that means we lost it earlier in the week.)

The rest are other images I found on Google of FNT's.

Mine

Others:

Everything I read was consistent in indicating that a thickened nuchal translucency is essentially a diagnosis of a chromosomal abnormality, specifically Trisomies 21, 18, and 13. Trisomy 21 is Down's Syndrome (which in and of itself is not fatal, and is hardly the worst thing that could happen), but it is also closely linked to severe heart defects. Trisomies 18 and 13 are much worse, and are almost always life threatening.

click HERE to learn more about what a FNT is.

clike HERE for more about FNT's

click HERE to learn more about the related chromosomal abnormalities

After reading this information, I am even more at peace with the path God has chosen for us with this baby. I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I have to admit that I am thankful He did not over-estimate me here. It is every mother's worst nightmare to have to watch their baby suffer.

So.... I go in tomorrow morning at 8am, D&C at 10, should be home by noon.

And then we go on from there...

P.S. Thank you so much to all you girls (family AND friends alike) that have called to check on me, emailed me, and talked me thru this.... Seriously, what would we do without girlfriends??????????? I am so blessed to have "sisters." I love you!!

What do you title the post where you're telling everyone you had a miscarriage?

Well I think most of my friends and family already know what happened today, but here are the details. I remember when I blogged that we were pregnant, Mike thought I should wait awhile "just in case," and I recall saying, "Even if something DOES happen, it makes me feel better to talk about stuff like that rather than hold it all in... I'm NOT a private person!" Well, something DID happen, and I still feel the same way. I've already been comforted my many words and prayers from friends--I can't imagine not sharing this kind of thing.

I had a check up today (11 weeks along). Mike has been in Florida since Wednesday, but his mom is here with Brax and I. I went alone to my appointment, since I knew Brax would have more fun playing at home w/ Grammy than sitting in a waiting room. I went in to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and of course I whipped out my camera to record it so I could show Mike later. For whatever reason, I waited to start recording until he actually found it. He joked that I jinxed him by putting him on the spot. About a minute later, he suggested we get a sono... maybe my uterus was tilted and that's why he was having a hard time finding the heartbeat. I asked him if I should be worried yet. He said no. So I wasn't.

I went back to the waiting room until a sono tech was ready. Kim, the same tech that scanned me every time with Brax, happened to be the first available. I LOVE her, she is like a good friend. She started the external belly scan, and I immediately knew it was gone. The baby was much bigger than last time, but there was no sign of that little flutter in it's chest. She then did an internal scan, just in case, but still nothing. I could tell she was flustered, nervous. I was trying not to cry so my belly wouldn't shake. She went and grabbed the Doc, he came in to look and confirmed it. Doc was pretty unemotional about it, very kind, but he left pretty quickly. (I guess even male doctors hate seeing women cry!!!) Kim cried with me and hugged me. I was so thankful it was her that did the scan. Doc also pointed out all the structural abnormalities, which Kim agreed that she had noticed too. I'm not a sono expert, but even I can see that the baby wasn't formed right. I posted a few different images below... the first is Brax's sono at 8 weeks along, so you can see "normal." You can clearly see his head, distinctly from his body, as well as the spinal column. Then there is this baby's 8 week sono. I remember thinking it looked more blobby than Brax did--but I just credited Brax for being more photogenic. Then there is this baby's sono from today...

Brax at 8 wks

This one at 8 weeks

Today... Do you see the bulge behind it's head? And the outline around it's abdominal organs, that's fluid. Also, they said something about the amniotic sac around it not being right.

I know SO MANY people who have had miscarriages. You NEVER think it will happen to YOU, tho. I left in a hurry, a blur. Called Mike, parents, etc. Came home and cried, thankful Grammy Sue was here. Brax wiped my tears. I put him down for a nap... he let me rock him to sleep which I was thankful for (sometimes he wiggles around till I put him in bed.) I needed to snuggle him. I talked to God a little while I rocked him. I thanked Him for Brax, and I thanked him for taking this baby to be with Him and making it perfect NOW, rather than letting it be born, letting it suffer, letting my heart break even more watching that... I KNOW that this is so much better, but with that said, I am still sad. Sad to let go of the dreams I had for THIS baby, sad to scratch out all the weekly countdowns I had in my planner, sad that I have to carry a baby that is not alive in my belly until Monday, sad that when I wake up from that D&C all that will be left is my huge gut, sad that I was complaining about having a huge gut this whole time, guilty that maybe it was something I did to make it's chromosomes go all wacko (they will test the chromosomes after the D&C so maybe we'll know more later), logically knowing that it was not... sad that we have to wait to try again (but I'm sure learning patience had something to do with this plan God has for us).... oh I could go on but I'd rather focus on the good.

I have a perfect, healthy, handsome, ornery little boy. I have a perfect baby waiting in heaven for me when I get there someday, but right now my Grandma is taking care of her (she never got to meet any of her great grand children.) I did not have to watch my child suffer here on earth, unlike many mothers I have read about on these blogs.

Oh and by the way, I helped myself to some retail therapy today. I bought some new running shoes... it's been exactly one year since I've run anywhere other than across the room to keep Brax from throwing away his toys. I'll let you know my first run goes!

Mike just pulled into the drive... looking forward to a big hug :-)

The Best Kept Cold Sore Secret EVER

If you get cold sores (I'm talking about the things on your mouth that start out as tingly little itchy spots that turn sore then blister up then crust over and hurt like heck and you look like a leper till it heals 2 weeks later) then READ THIS. If not, count yourself as lucky and move on.

I have gotten cold sores since I was little, and they suck. I would get the nasty things like twice a year, and everyone would make fun of me. Scarred me for life. In highschool I was introduced to a prescription medication called Zovirax, which works WONDERS. BUT you can't take it when you're pregnant. So on top of my ginormous gut, broken out skin and constant nausea if I don't take Zofran, my lip has now erupted into a gargantuan cluster of blisters.

So here's the secret. It's called Viroxyn. A dentist I used to work for gave me some (it's over the counter), and it's safe to use on kids and pregnant people. I ran out a long time ago, but I found it again at Walgreen's tonite, on sale for $8 (2 treatments). They have a generic brand--the name brand is like $38 for 2 treatments. If you ever get cold sores--BUY THIS NOW so you have it on hand! It works best if you use it ASAP.

Brax's Valentine's Day

Brax got a little surprise for V-Day...

Just a few goodies from the Target $1 bins,

but he LOVED them! They are so easy to please at this age!

"Look! ANIMALS!"

Then we went outside for some fresh [cold] air.

Later in the afternoon our friends Josh and Jen

came over with their little girl, Delanie.

She is a month younger than Brax.

Brax was putting the moves on her.

"I promise, no funny business.

We're just readin' books. That's all."

"Did yall see that? That was smooth, right?"

At the end of the day, Momma is still his Valentine.

For now...