What do you title the post where you're telling everyone you had a miscarriage?

Well I think most of my friends and family already know what happened today, but here are the details. I remember when I blogged that we were pregnant, Mike thought I should wait awhile "just in case," and I recall saying, "Even if something DOES happen, it makes me feel better to talk about stuff like that rather than hold it all in... I'm NOT a private person!" Well, something DID happen, and I still feel the same way. I've already been comforted my many words and prayers from friends--I can't imagine not sharing this kind of thing.

I had a check up today (11 weeks along). Mike has been in Florida since Wednesday, but his mom is here with Brax and I. I went alone to my appointment, since I knew Brax would have more fun playing at home w/ Grammy than sitting in a waiting room. I went in to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and of course I whipped out my camera to record it so I could show Mike later. For whatever reason, I waited to start recording until he actually found it. He joked that I jinxed him by putting him on the spot. About a minute later, he suggested we get a sono... maybe my uterus was tilted and that's why he was having a hard time finding the heartbeat. I asked him if I should be worried yet. He said no. So I wasn't.

I went back to the waiting room until a sono tech was ready. Kim, the same tech that scanned me every time with Brax, happened to be the first available. I LOVE her, she is like a good friend. She started the external belly scan, and I immediately knew it was gone. The baby was much bigger than last time, but there was no sign of that little flutter in it's chest. She then did an internal scan, just in case, but still nothing. I could tell she was flustered, nervous. I was trying not to cry so my belly wouldn't shake. She went and grabbed the Doc, he came in to look and confirmed it. Doc was pretty unemotional about it, very kind, but he left pretty quickly. (I guess even male doctors hate seeing women cry!!!) Kim cried with me and hugged me. I was so thankful it was her that did the scan. Doc also pointed out all the structural abnormalities, which Kim agreed that she had noticed too. I'm not a sono expert, but even I can see that the baby wasn't formed right. I posted a few different images below... the first is Brax's sono at 8 weeks along, so you can see "normal." You can clearly see his head, distinctly from his body, as well as the spinal column. Then there is this baby's 8 week sono. I remember thinking it looked more blobby than Brax did--but I just credited Brax for being more photogenic. Then there is this baby's sono from today...

Brax at 8 wks

This one at 8 weeks

Today... Do you see the bulge behind it's head? And the outline around it's abdominal organs, that's fluid. Also, they said something about the amniotic sac around it not being right.

I know SO MANY people who have had miscarriages. You NEVER think it will happen to YOU, tho. I left in a hurry, a blur. Called Mike, parents, etc. Came home and cried, thankful Grammy Sue was here. Brax wiped my tears. I put him down for a nap... he let me rock him to sleep which I was thankful for (sometimes he wiggles around till I put him in bed.) I needed to snuggle him. I talked to God a little while I rocked him. I thanked Him for Brax, and I thanked him for taking this baby to be with Him and making it perfect NOW, rather than letting it be born, letting it suffer, letting my heart break even more watching that... I KNOW that this is so much better, but with that said, I am still sad. Sad to let go of the dreams I had for THIS baby, sad to scratch out all the weekly countdowns I had in my planner, sad that I have to carry a baby that is not alive in my belly until Monday, sad that when I wake up from that D&C all that will be left is my huge gut, sad that I was complaining about having a huge gut this whole time, guilty that maybe it was something I did to make it's chromosomes go all wacko (they will test the chromosomes after the D&C so maybe we'll know more later), logically knowing that it was not... sad that we have to wait to try again (but I'm sure learning patience had something to do with this plan God has for us).... oh I could go on but I'd rather focus on the good.

I have a perfect, healthy, handsome, ornery little boy. I have a perfect baby waiting in heaven for me when I get there someday, but right now my Grandma is taking care of her (she never got to meet any of her great grand children.) I did not have to watch my child suffer here on earth, unlike many mothers I have read about on these blogs.

Oh and by the way, I helped myself to some retail therapy today. I bought some new running shoes... it's been exactly one year since I've run anywhere other than across the room to keep Brax from throwing away his toys. I'll let you know my first run goes!

Mike just pulled into the drive... looking forward to a big hug :-)