I got my results back from the chromosome tests they ran on the baby (they call it "fetal tissue" but I still call it my baby.) The report was as good as we could have prayed for--NO noted chromosomal defects--but I also found out what it was. I was driving to the mall when the nurse called, and it kind of caught me off guard. She immediately told me the good news, and then asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the baby. Without thinking, I said yes.
It was a girl.
I knew it was a girl.
What if that was my only girl? Of course me knowing the sex doesn't change the sex of that baby, but somehow not knowing left me hopeful that the next one would be a girl. Now I worry that she was my only daughter. Stupid, Valerie! God has this figured out, it's already on the books. You just can't see the books yet.
So now I mourn all over again. It's not as much of an emotional trainwreck as the first time around, but I feel like now I know who I'm grieving for. Does that make sense? At least this is closure... I don't have to worry that it's some rare gene that I'm passing on to my unborn children or something. She just wasn't meant to be here. It is what it is, and my questions and worries don't change a thing. So I'll just trust Him.
4 comments:
So glad you get to know those things. I know it must be hard. Unsolicited advice: name her. If you haven't already. I named my baby, even though others thought it was crazy. I didn't know his sex, but I dreamed he was a boy and felt strongly that he was. I also dreamed Will was a boy, and he was... so I go with that. I love having a name for him, even though no one knows it. It's important to me!
Val - Thanks for sharing your update. I can certainly understand how the news would start the grieving process again. We're still praying for you.
Christa
What you said makes perfect sense. Almost 7 years ago I lost a baby and it was extremely hard. It didn't feel like anyone else understood either. It helped a lot that I already had my first little boy though. I hope your heart heals quickly......
Glad to hear that the test results were good. A relief.
On the note that she may be your only daughter...having only boys is wonderful too;)
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