The only thing worse than watching your child suffer (no matter how minor it is)
is the guilt you feel for not preventing it.
Mommy Guilt has absolutely been the hardest thing about parenting for me. Thankfully, we haven't had any MAJOR catastrophes that Brax has had to suffer thru, but I tell you what...even the small stuff eats away at your heart.
Your kid got RSV? It's your fault for sending him to daycare. He broke out in a full body allergic rash while traveling? It's your fault for not remembering to wash those towels in "free and clear" detergent. He fell and hit his head, causing it to bleed out of his ear? Yep, YOUR fault for dumping that water out of his rain boots onto the garage floor and not anticipating that he would get up and walk thru it and slip. Fell off the couch and broke his arm? Your fault for setting him on the couch instead of holding him while you cleaned up the kitchen like he wanted you to.
You had a miscarriage? Your fault, for any number of reasons.
After all, the baby was in YOUR belly.
Of course, rationally I know that none of these things were technically my "fault", but Mommy Guilt still causes my mind to race with "what ifs."
What if I had just....
At this very moment, Brax is sleeping peacefully in bed with his little arm comfortably splinted, but I sit here with a lump in my throat, replaying those few seconds before he fell over and over in my mind.
Mommy Guilt causes me to be on the defensive, feeling embarrassed that I "let" this happen to my child. I wonder if the nurses talked about me. I am sure that my husband thinks I'm incompetent. Of course, none of this stuff happens on his watch.
I wonder if this ever changes. At what point do we stop feeling like it's our sole responsibilty to protect our children? Will I still feel guilty even when my child hurts himself, and is old enough to know better? I have to imagine the answers are never and yes, at least to some degree.
MOMMY GUILT SUCKS.
2 comments:
Ugh, all I can say is if you feel guilty, that is a sign you are a good mommy!!! I am so sorry to hear about Brax's arm. I have been told time and time again, I too will experience all that comes with having a boy. I wish I could skip that part! Just today Carson choked for the first time and I did exactly what I should not have done and some how mananged to lodge the food deeper in his throat. So deep in fact he turned blue. So far, the scariest thing for me...ever! Thankfully he coughed it up as I picked up the phone to call 911. Next on my list, a refresher on my first aid class we took before Carson was born. Being a Mommy is the scariest job EVER!!!
Give Brax our best....and you too! Must have been a tough day for you :-(
Poor kid.
You're not a bad mom. Good moms let their kids try stuff and jump around and test limits. It would be more concerning if a little boy was in pristine condition. They're supposed to get banged up...it's good for him.
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